Gone off the rails
If I don’t make it, know that I loved you all along.
Slowly infiltrating my blood stream, she sends a rush of blood to my pounding, empty skull; she taints even my deepest desires. She is denial, now flowing through my every vein. Hot pumping blood, fast flying limbs, no tears, no fears, she offers me peace of mind; she gives me hell on earth.
She is the face I see in the mirror, the reflection of a stranger, the mask that won’t come off, she is the days I can’t ignore. She is a grinding at my jaw, the widening of my eyes, and the shaking of my hands. She is my most brutal teacher; with thanks to her I have learnt that what goes up must come down, and down, down, down it will go.
She is the crushing, the huffing, the puffing, the running; she is a temporary fix, a most deceiving escape. She is a drip from my numbed red nose, a leak in my mind; she is the slow draining of my long lost soul. She is every sleepless night, every meal left cold for willpower and thrill. She pushes for her flawed perfection. She is never sorry, but sorry so sorry I am.
Who am I? I am guilt tangled up in her electrical wires. I am lost. I can be found when my blood turns cold, when reality crushes fiction and back down to earth I’ll go. When the mask begins to crack and crumble, when my skin begins to crawl, come find me in front of the mirror with no tears and endless fears. I’ll be climbing up the walls.
Whisper something in my ear; I can’t bear the silence. Drive me down denial highway, the pavement is always hot, the sun in constantly blinding, a light that shines throughout the darkest of nights. She spills my guts on the wheel, laughing her most psychotic laugh, she kisses me, and I am invisible. I am her prisoner. Cross that bridge when we come to it, better yet knock it down, break it down, I am unstoppable. I am royalty and she is my queen.
This will be the last time I promise, this is the last time I swear. This is the first time all over again; I’m running around in circles, she’s got me chained to the floor. She flirts with the devil, tells me of a quiet life; inhale, exhale, one handshake of carbon monoxide, and finally I will find my promised relief. Together we knock at death’s door.
Help me. Can you help me? Grab me by the wrist, pull me out of the air crash; I’ve collided with thin air. I smell my flesh burning, the stench of her on-going victory, it reeks of my tragic mistakes.
Please say you still see me here, don’t let her silly dress-up game fool you; I lay restless beneath the mask you’ve grown accustomed to. Teach me how to be human I am merely a machine. I’m screeching, I’m shrieking, but she has me on mute. I still feel the cold air on my face, the grass between my toes; I am alive.
With every comforting whisper you grant my desperate ear, you’ll take away one lie she’s planted there. I can’t beat her without the smell of consolation on your warm skin, without your soft touch and butterfly kisses; you are clueless floating on a cloud of oblivion.
The clock reads 11:11, a shooting star flashes across the starry night sky, happy birthday, blow out the candles; it’s time to make a wish. With my eyes tightly shut, I wish away this nightmare, one day I am bound to wake up.
She whispers in my ear, this will be the last time I promise, this is the last time I swear, she gives the soft kiss of denial, a lie I love to believe. Back down the hot highway I go, back down to hell I’ll fall. Mind racing, speeding through the traffic, I watch you turn your back and walk away for you can no longer play by the rules of her evil games.
This is the last time, I swear.
***
I met you on the first night of fall, a gust of wind swept through my hair, lifted up my dress, sent shivers down my spine. You found me staring up at the stars, the clouds drifting over my head, the moon slipping in and out of consciousness. Between drags I told you I could watch the wind and clouds for hours, it still fascinates me to watch something I know is real, no editing, no lenses, no script, no space for perfection; I need to feel real. A spark of interest, heavy heated tension, I wanted you, could you tell? Blowing smoke from your mouth, through your teeth, your lips, you invited me to join you; an invitation I couldn’t resist. We took off, snuck off, both looking for nothing, yet with every heavy breath and gust of wind finding something extraordinary.
You always liked to chase skirts, countless lovers to your name; you were never one to waste a night staring up at the stars. I always remained a closed book to anyone who attempted to read my pages. I suppose we have learnt a thing or two about always, or rather a thing of two about ourselves. I was the ultimate mystery; you were cursed with curiosity, fueled by desire. We shared many laughs, shooting pain to our stomachs, kicking and screaming; we used to have quite the sense of humor. Our heads were hot with joy, our hearts humbled by love, our minds rushed with lust. I had secrets, deep dark secrets, you’d kiss me once, kiss me twice, and for a moment I’d forget those secrets were even there. For a moment I’d forget where to find her, staring back at me above the bathroom sink, on the back of my spoon. She was always in the back of my mind.
You broke my lock, opened me up and found her inside; she much preferred being my little secret. As your concern grew, she learnt some new tricks and kept them up hidden her sleeves. She kept her secrets and fed you lies.
Everything in moderation is what you’d say, although sometimes I thought your nose was far from moderately numbed; both shiny and red, dripping and dropping, another leaking in your head, another brain cell to spare.
Rise and shine, stroke your sleeping beauty’s peaceful head, awaken her from her slumber. I’m sure that day you won’t forget; the day you weren’t able to get me out of bed or my lack of bed, the floor where I collapsed unconscious. Being helpless as stray kitten surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves. It was a day far different from the night that we met. No words were exchanged; no smoke, no romance, not a star in the sky, only that overpowering blazing sun. I over-heated, overdosed. With a fast phone call, a piercing siren, no time to play red light green, just pass right through. My fist was pounding with all it’s might on death’s door, begging for an answer; teasing for one. You were quick to act; I was rescued with time to spare, driven somewhere warm, finally safe with my fists now tied tightly behind my soar throbbing back.
I was scared, not of coming close to an accidental and shameful death, but of the rise it got out of you; you were inconsolable. Could I really have meant that much to you? The idea of that brought fear along with a familiar feeling I used to feel, the feeling I felt when I could still get a moment when she didn’t dictate my every move; when I could escape her clutch by tangling myself in you.
I vowed to stop; I truly meant to. She promised to me what I swore to you; one thing must be learnt here; liars may find themselves addicted to their own lies. After building a world upon piled up lies, they depend on their twisted reality. They may strike again, and again she did strike.
Final strike, this time you’re out, out the door, out of here. Still speeding down that highway I now call home, my world spins, heart sinks, my insides collapse, I laugh until my head bursts, I wait for tears, but I do not find a single one. I watch you drift off into the distance, counting every footstep as you shrink smaller and smaller. Wishing between breathes, crossing my fingers, my toes. I wish for you to turn your head over your shoulder, look me in my sad dry eyes one last time, and with that I’d be satisfied. As you fade to a vague memory, getting cloudy now, too foggy to see, I continue to wait, but never once do you glance back at me.
Please don’t walk away; I hate the sound of her voice.
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