driving by memory lane

old and in the past (thankfully)

Gone off the rails

If I don’t make it, know that I loved you all along.

Slowly infiltrating my blood stream, she sends a rush of blood to my pounding, empty skull; she taints even my deepest desires. She is denial, now flowing through my every vein. Hot pumping blood, fast flying limbs, no tears, no fears, she offers me peace of mind; she gives me hell on earth.

She is the face I see in the mirror, the reflection of a stranger, the mask that won’t come off, she is the days I can’t ignore. She is a grinding at my jaw, the widening of my eyes, and the shaking of my hands. She is my most brutal teacher; with thanks to her I have learnt that what goes up must come down, and down, down, down it will go.

She is the crushing, the huffing, the puffing, the running; she is a temporary fix, a most deceiving escape. She is a drip from my numbed red nose, a leak in my mind; she is the slow draining of my long lost soul. She is every sleepless night, every meal left cold for willpower and thrill. She pushes for her flawed perfection. She is never sorry, but sorry so sorry I am.

Who am I? I am guilt tangled up in her electrical wires. I am lost. I can be found when my blood turns cold, when reality crushes fiction and back down to earth I’ll go. When the mask begins to crack and crumble, when my skin begins to crawl, come find me in front of the mirror with no tears and endless fears. I’ll be climbing up the walls.

Whisper something in my ear; I can’t bear the silence. Drive me down denial highway, the pavement is always hot, the sun in constantly blinding, a light that shines throughout the darkest of nights. She spills my guts on the wheel, laughing her most psychotic laugh, she kisses me, and I am invisible. I am her prisoner. Cross that bridge when we come to it, better yet knock it down, break it down, I am unstoppable. I am royalty and she is my queen.

This will be the last time I promise, this is the last time I swear. This is the first time all over again; I’m running around in circles, she’s got me chained to the floor. She flirts with the devil, tells me of a quiet life; inhale, exhale, one handshake of carbon monoxide, and finally I will find my promised relief. Together we knock at death’s door.

Help me. Can you help me? Grab me by the wrist, pull me out of the air crash; I’ve collided with thin air. I smell my flesh burning, the stench of her on-going victory, it reeks of my tragic mistakes.

Please say you still see me here, don’t let her silly dress-up game fool you; I lay restless beneath the mask you’ve grown accustomed to. Teach me how to be human I am merely a machine. I’m screeching, I’m shrieking, but she has me on mute. I still feel the cold air on my face, the grass between my toes; I am alive.

With every comforting whisper you grant my desperate ear, you’ll take away one lie she’s planted there. I can’t beat her without the smell of consolation on your warm skin, without your soft touch and butterfly kisses; you are clueless floating on a cloud of oblivion.

The clock reads 11:11, a shooting star flashes across the starry night sky, happy birthday, blow out the candles; it’s time to make a wish. With my eyes tightly shut, I wish away this nightmare, one day I am bound to wake up.

She whispers in my ear, this will be the last time I promise, this is the last time I swear, she gives the soft kiss of denial, a lie I love to believe. Back down the hot highway I go, back down to hell I’ll fall. Mind racing, speeding through the traffic, I watch you turn your back and walk away for you can no longer play by the rules of her evil games.

This is the last time, I swear.

***

I met you on the first night of fall, a gust of wind swept through my hair, lifted up my dress, sent shivers down my spine. You found me staring up at the stars, the clouds drifting over my head, the moon slipping in and out of consciousness. Between drags I told you I could watch the wind and clouds for hours, it still fascinates me to watch something I know is real, no editing, no lenses, no script, no space for perfection; I need to feel real. A spark of interest, heavy heated tension, I wanted you, could you tell? Blowing smoke from your mouth, through your teeth, your lips, you invited me to join you; an invitation I couldn’t resist. We took off, snuck off, both looking for nothing, yet with every heavy breath and gust of wind finding something extraordinary.

You always liked to chase skirts, countless lovers to your name; you were never one to waste a night staring up at the stars. I always remained a closed book to anyone who attempted to read my pages. I suppose we have learnt a thing or two about always, or rather a thing of two about ourselves. I was the ultimate mystery; you were cursed with curiosity, fueled by desire. We shared many laughs, shooting pain to our stomachs, kicking and screaming; we used to have quite the sense of humor. Our heads were hot with joy, our hearts humbled by love, our minds rushed with lust. I had secrets, deep dark secrets, you’d kiss me once, kiss me twice, and for a moment I’d forget those secrets were even there. For a moment I’d forget where to find her, staring back at me above the bathroom sink, on the back of my spoon. She was always in the back of my mind.

You broke my lock, opened me up and found her inside; she much preferred being my little secret. As your concern grew, she learnt some new tricks and kept them up hidden her sleeves. She kept her secrets and fed you lies.

Everything in moderation is what you’d say, although sometimes I thought your nose was far from moderately numbed; both shiny and red, dripping and dropping, another leaking in your head, another brain cell to spare.

Rise and shine, stroke your sleeping beauty’s peaceful head, awaken her from her slumber. I’m sure that day you won’t forget; the day you weren’t able to get me out of bed or my lack of bed, the floor where I collapsed unconscious. Being helpless as stray kitten surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves. It was a day far different from the night that we met. No words were exchanged; no smoke, no romance, not a star in the sky, only that overpowering blazing sun. I over-heated, overdosed. With a fast phone call, a piercing siren, no time to play red light green, just pass right through. My fist was pounding with all it’s might on death’s door, begging for an answer; teasing for one. You were quick to act; I was rescued with time to spare, driven somewhere warm, finally safe with my fists now tied tightly behind my soar throbbing back.

I was scared, not of coming close to an accidental and shameful death, but of the rise it got out of you; you were inconsolable. Could I really have meant that much to you? The idea of that brought fear along with a familiar feeling I used to feel, the feeling I felt when I could still get a moment when she didn’t dictate my every move; when I could escape her clutch by tangling myself in you.

I vowed to stop; I truly meant to. She promised to me what I swore to you; one thing must be learnt here; liars may find themselves addicted to their own lies. After building a world upon piled up lies, they depend on their twisted reality. They may strike again, and again she did strike.

Final strike, this time you’re out, out the door, out of here. Still speeding down that highway I now call home, my world spins, heart sinks, my insides collapse, I laugh until my head bursts, I wait for tears, but I do not find a single one. I watch you drift off into the distance, counting every footstep as you shrink smaller and smaller. Wishing between breathes, crossing my fingers, my toes. I wish for you to turn your head over your shoulder, look me in my sad dry eyes one last time, and with that I’d be satisfied. As you fade to a vague memory, getting cloudy now, too foggy to see, I continue to wait, but never once do you glance back at me.

Please don’t walk away; I hate the sound of her voice.

don't stop

One glance

Two smirks

No words

All knowing

One touch

Two eyes

Your touch says it right

Your eyes give you away

Trap my soul in this moment

Your skin brushes mine

The shivers down my spine

Is this what they call fireworks?

I think I might explode

Bright colors

Loud noises

Bang

Boom

Time stands still

Chaos turns to silence

Fire falls from the heavens

Blue,

Green,

Red

I don’t ever want to leave this place.

Jump, don't jump

Help

There are too many things to say, too many sights to see, too many tears to shed, too much, too bright, too powerful.
and I can't do it
not right now.

no words for now, just a couple photos.

It's all wrong, It's all right, It's all wrong, It's all--?

there is always so much to say
you can go through all the options in your mind
over and over and over again
so many letters
so many words
so many sentences
which ones will you choose?
you're running around in circles
never satisfied
never the right combination
you've studied it all
memorized the lines
mastered each verse
you've worked hard
very hard

then, you freeze
your mind draws a blank
your knees tremble
hands quiver
try and make a sound
i dare you
come on

silence

you stand shaking in place
facing the one you've worked so hard to face
everything changes
the words you chose don't fit the puzzle
the lyrics no longer rhyme
all you know is how you feel
how do you feel?
it's a feeling and a feeling only
get your dictionary
try the thesaurus
they wont help you
you fight this battle alone
fight better judgment
rationality
logic
moral
for what?
for that feeling
oh, that feeling

what a feeling indeed.

help me out
I'm lost for words
lost forever
lost
lost
lost

so chase away this rain cloud
come dance with me in the sun
just dance
and dance
and dance
footstep after footstep
not one word
just the sound of moving feet
until we stop

silence

i look around
up at the sky
the bright sun
down at the ground
the tall grass
my bare feet
our bare feet
and finally back up at you.

my knees stand still
my hands rest at ease
it's a new feeling, i feel
it's comforting
you're looking back at me
not saying a word
just looking
i open my mouth
take a deep breath
loud and clear
i say it
i say it all
perfectly
you take a step closer
and closer
and closer
you nod your head
up and down
up and down
you place both hands on opposite sides of my head
you lean forward and kiss my forehead
then BOOM
you leave
you walk
and walk
and walk
and what do i do?
i wait
wait for you to turn around
turn around and run back
turn around and give me that comforting look
but you don't
for it's not that simple
it's not that simple at all

i fall to the the grass
i did it
i finally did it
i told you
i told you everything
and as i sit there
pulling at the grass with my fingers
my toes
i wait
and wait
and wait
for it is your turn to study your options
memories your lines
reword your sentences
all to return to the same grassy spot
face me
forget all you've learned
take a deep breath
and tell me
tell me everything

whether you leave me there
whether stay
please
oh please
just dance with me
while the sun shines bright
while the world stands still
memorized by our foot steps
oh what a show we'd put on
until finally, with another BOOM
the curtains close
show's over folks
which way will you go?
i don't know
i don't know
i just don't.

so until then
i dance
dance alone
always alone
dance the feeling away
but it still stays
and stays
and stays
and always stays.

sometimes it takes so much energy, searching, dwelling, all just to say;

I miss you.

Chase away this rain cloud